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Why the Raptors from “Jurassic Park” are my role-models

Why the Raptors from “Jurassic Park” are my role models

Please bear in mind that this is NOT a serious article. 😉

(Warning: this article may contain spoilers for the original film and its two – as of Friday 12th June, three! – sequels. If you haven’t seen Jurassic Park, you need to re-evaluate your life choices, kid. Also, I’d like to offer a trigger warning for some bad language later on. I’m just really passionate about this franchise!)

As Christina Aguilera told us in the ever-poignant Burlesque, it’s “a cold and crazy world that’s raging outside.” If you want to make it, you’ve got to be smart and you’ve got to be resourceful. You have to adapt and evolve. Don’t just beat the system; take it down and rip out its throat.

After watching Jurassic World, I realised that nobody demonstrates this better than the fearsome velociraptors of the Jurassic Park franchise. They’re intelligent, they work as a team, they’re faster than Usain Bolt after a litre of Lucozade. In short, they’re my absolute role-models – and here’s why!

  1. They’re fiercely loyal to their family.

Throughout the entire franchise, you never see the raptors working alone. They eat, sleep and hunt as a family unit. In fact, it’s a key part of their tactics when they’re stalking prey (although I’m not suggesting you & your family should go out and corner an innocent bystander), but we’ll talk about that later. They are depicted as highly sociable creatures and demonstrate a strong bond. In Jurassic Park III, they pursue Grant and his group across the whole island to get their eggs back after they were unwittingly stolen. That’s love, folks. When negotiations take place at the end of the film, they accept their eggs graciously, mind their own business and leave the egg-napping humans to do mammal shit. They’re totally cool like that.

Also, in Jurassic World, they’re trained (as well as one can train a raptor) by Chris Pratt’s character Owen Grady and they kick butt on his behalf at the end of the film. It seems like they have as much love for their human friends/allies as they do for their fellow raptors. We could learn a lot about acceptance from them.

*insert Indiana Jones theme here*

*insert Indiana Jones theme here*

  1. They know the system and they play it like a finely-tuned instrument.

If there’s one thing this franchise showcases, it’s how smart the raptors are. In literally every film, somebody comments on how dangerously intelligent the raptors are (it’s usually Alan Grant). They’re the real reptilians that David Icke needs to worry about. The first film is literally one big “I Threw It On The Ground” parody for them and, like Andy Samberg, the raptors know you can’t trust the system. What’s more, they’re determined not to participate in it. With a massive middle finger (claw?) to John Hammond’s commercial paradise, they take that shit down from the inside and smash up the park’s restaurant, reception and main building.

In Jurassic World, they’re similarly savvy. They play along with the big bad – the “Indominus Rex” – for a while, pretending to be his minions, then they go full kamikaze and launch themselves at him. The hybrid made the fatal mistake of thinking their loyalty could be bought – they’re archaeological anarchists and they don’t play the game by anyone’s rules except their own. Take that thought away with you. Don’t be a sheep; be a velociraptor.

"Man, smells like capitalism in here."

“Man, smells like capitalism in here.”

  1. They’re exceptional strategists.

One of my favourite scenes in Jurassic Park is when the ranger is poised, gun at the ready, waiting for the raptors to approach. Being tactical geniuses of a calibre known only to such leaders as Alexander the Great and Julius Caesar, the raptors sneak up on him from all directions. Although I sympathise with the poor bloke, it’s impossible not to love the raptors’ ingenuity and style. They corner their prey, with one velociraptor forcing them to move whilst the others trap them on all sides. It’s awesome enough the first time around, but it’s a recurring motif in all the films and it’s always hilarious to see the “oh shit” look appear on the character’s face when they work out that they’re surrounded.

They’re such good tacticians that, in the latest instalment of the franchise, INGEN actually want to use them as “a living weapon” in the army. Not gonna lie, I think there would be a lot less warfare in the world if we had velociraptors to fight for us. There would probably be a lot less people in the world too, but, y’know, keep it in the small print.

“Team work makes the dream work.” – V. Raptor, 1993.

Raptor 3

  1. They don’t give a shit about anything.

One thing I learned from these films is that the raptors are way too cool to let anything slow them down or stand in their way. They are nearly impervious to bullets. Solid metal doors mean nothing to them. A T. Rex is a minor menace. They take it all in their stride.

More to the point, they have absolutely zero time for bullshit. They stroll around Isla Nublar like they own the place. Ever wonder why they’re so fast? It’s because they don’t waste energy by chasing fucks to give (they’re also agile, lightweight and aerodynamic to prevent air resistance as they run, but I won’t bore you with science…). Basically, they haven’t got the time or patience for haters – and you shouldn’t give them the time of day either. Surround yourself with positive people who motivate and inspire you! Or, alternatively, surround yourself with velociraptor bodyguards.

Note: these are not his bodyguards.

Note: these are not his bodyguards.

  1. They got that gender equality on lock!

Everybody is equal in the raptor squad. In the first film, like the rest of the dinosaurs in the park, all the raptors are female. This prevents them from reproducing without supervision. In The Lost World and Jurassic Park III, eggs are discovered on Isla Sorna, so evidently those sex-changing tree frog genomes were working. This leads me to believe that the raptor crew in the third film is mixed-gender. In Jurassic World, Owen Grady’s Riot Raptors (not their official title) are led by Blue, the pack beta. She’s pretty cool – she kicks some serious Indominus ass. She needs to chill sometimes, potentially, but who can blame her?  Girl’s got responsibilities, bro.

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